那一年,我十八岁,过得很幸福。
十八岁那年,我在一所大学里生活。大学里的一切都很纯粹,蓝色的天空,灰色的教学楼,黝黑的路面。线条平直,偶尔有几条弧线,是砖石砌的中国屋顶。楼宇无意识地横立在天下和地上,拦住了眼神的目光。校园里大约只有这三种颜色。
他们说,能在大学里生活,我很幸福。我有什么理由不感到幸福呢?
他们治理了天空。没有风从蒙古高原吹来的时候,天空是蓝色的,偶尔天空会变成灰色,似乎对过去的样子有所缅怀。当我看到它灰色的模样,我想起村口老人的脸,沟壑中带着尘土,散发着刺鼻的劣质烟草味。我知道他们把工厂都搬走了,到了河北更远的地方去。有些人因此失去了工作,有些人获得了北京的尘烟,有些人既失去了工作又只剩下灰白菜。
他们盖起了高楼。他们说,教学楼必须整齐有序。我尝试为这种想法寻找依据,后来我找到了。我看到从高空俯瞰一切的宣传片。地面整齐划一,延伸到天边。在这种简单重复的庄严中,每一栋楼都在高呼着永恒,这时毁灭是比太阳氦闪更被遗忘的事。他们在规划的时候,看着沙盘,挥动着激光笔,一定也感受到了这种庄严。
他们说,这里是最好的家园,于是要严防可疑份子,尤其是境外势力。据说境外势力无孔不入,青年学生、上班族、农民、医护工作者、退休老人、知识分子、快递员、建筑工人等群体都已经被他们渗透。他们说我们是祖国的未来,一定要保护好自己,不能被境外势力沾染。我没有见过境外势力,如果说学校里的留学生不算境外势力的话。我想,境外势力一定像爱情一样醉人,像梅毒一样热烈,像丹霞一样丰富,否则怎么会有那么多人抵抗不住诱惑,一旦受到沾染就不反顾?
他们说,他们爱我们,要为学生提供帮助。校园里遍布着摄像头,哪怕是有人丢了一柄钥匙,他们也能在半小时内帮忙找到。如果有人从楼上跌下来,他们也能尽快控制现场。他们也用同样的科技手段对付猫。他们为所有猫编订了名片,并且贴心地为它们绝育,这样猫们就可以融入我们这个温馨的大家庭。他们在校园里,总是找一个合适的地方晒太阳或乘凉,然后就不再理人,任人摸它也不动,仿佛是毛茸茸的石头。我不清楚他们有没有尝试过这样对付鸽子。我猜他们做不到,因为鸽子没有户口,而且可以飞很远。但是我听说,近70年前,曾经有一场灭麻雀运动,几乎灭绝了中国的麻雀,所以我不敢担保他们会怎样对待鸽子。
他们说,校园是最温馨最安全的地方,所以非必要不出校。我不明白“非必要”是什么意思。考虑到校园里有生活所需的全部基本用品,所以一辈子不出校也不影响生存,这么说来好像没有什么出校是必要的——我不清楚他们是不是这个意思。曾经有同学和恋人隔着围栏聊天,结果被通报批评,因为他们不负责任的行为带来了感染风险。我觉得学校领导也有失职,因为他们没有为围墙设置足够的缓冲区。在这一点上他们大概忘了柏林墙的先进经验。我并不想提醒他们,毕竟指出领导的错误是有危险的。当校门终于扭扭捏捏地打开的时候,所有楼入口和校门都配备了刷脸机。预约经批准后,我才可以将脸伸到机器前。“严防境外势力”,我猜他们这样说,但最终他们什么也没说,大概是忘了。
这一年,我十八岁,今天是普通的一天。天空一如既往地蓝,像接线员的笑容一样标准。楼房一如既往地简洁,像是物理学家的模型。同学一如既往地三三两两,因为更大规模的自由聚集是不允许的。这一天我骑着自行车,按照惯常的路线回到寝室,共计451米的路途。经过同学们的时候,我总是听不到他们的声音,或许有人在聊出国,有人在议论老师,有人在谈恋爱,这些谈话总是带着隐秘的情调。我想加入他们,但是我总是不知道如何开口。当我鼓起勇气拍拍某个人的肩,看到他纯黑的眼眸,我就丧失了所有信心。
这一年,我十八岁,我还要这样生活三年。我不知道校外的生活是什么样子的。在我幸得出校的几次经验中,我看到城市像有机体一样搏动。当我站在城市里,地面就成为我躯体的延伸,感官不断扩大。地铁和公路是血管,载着城市的血液以供养城市;楼宇是城市的机体,为最原始的渴望而滋长蔓延。我想起了煤厂,黑色的煤穿行于地下,带着热能驱动机器。三年后,我大约也会如此在城市中穿行。
我不知道别人怎样看待自己的生活。其中有些人可能怀着隐秘的希望,觉得自己有一天能够换一种生活;有些人觉得现在的生活很不错,毕竟比起挣扎于生死之间的人,我们好太多。我不清楚有多少人和我一样,感受到现实的钝痛,对未来怀着似有似无的希望。我不喜欢这样的生活,也害怕这样生活下去。但是他们告诉我,我很幸福。 从物理学家的视角看,我在做某种周期运动,在我看来,这和静止一样接近于死亡。但几乎麻木的痛楚终究在提醒我,这种存在和死亡有些不同。能够证明自己的存在,大概是幸福的。我除了这种幸福以外一无所有。
十八岁的时候已经厌命而贪生。
Comments
January 21, 2025 15:22
Therefore dissertation internet pages via the internet ebooks include plainly disclosed from the web-site. 건마의고수
January 7, 2025 16:14
khaliq
Hi there, a very good read and it sometimes just takes someone to post something like this to make me realise where I’ve been going wrong! Just added the site to my bookmarks so will check back now and then. Cheers. Packers and Movers Ghaziabad
January 8, 2025 11:34
farooq
whoah this blog is great i love reading your articles. Keep up the good work! You know, lots of people are looking around for this info, you could aid them greatly. https://pg88.io/
January 8, 2025 14:27
khaliq
This web page is actually a walk-through for all of the details you wished about it and didn’t know who to inquire about. Glimpse here, and you’ll absolutely discover it. hockey bag tags
January 14, 2025 08:14
You undoubtedly ensure it is look simple along with your business presentation however i come across this kind of topic being truly an issue that I think I might never recognize. It appears also complex and extremely wide personally. I will be impatient for your next article, I am going to try to get the hang of it! Packers and Movers Bangalore to Jaipur
January 16, 2025 11:21
khaliq
That appears to be excellent however i am still not too sure that I like it. At any rate will look far more into it and decide personally! QUIETUM PLUS
January 16, 2025 06:33
khaliq
our coat racks are made of epoxy plastic and they can hold thos heavy clothes* Packers and Movers Lucknow
January 16, 2025 14:35
khaliq
This article was written by a real thinking writer. I agree many of the with the solid points made by the writer. I’ll be back. Product Reviews Site
January 23, 2025 08:40
QUMAR
BY NO MEANS.. receive click here involved in ‘get paid out to be able to examine email’ websites, they are swindles and you won’t bring in your penny, and they also will not solution the electronic mails connected with grievance! MULTI LEVEL MARKEING also, or maybe actually any web site telling you that the funds will be doubled or trebled from a subject with nights, or perhaps you are going to become prosperous suddenly, are hoaxes. Stay away from these folks!! It may not be difficult to locate genuine dealers on-line. Seek out away call tips. The correct and also telephone range is a superb indication they are genuine. A further beneficial test out should be to send these individuals a strong e-mail prior to deciding to join to find exactly how efficiently many people response. Prevent the particular ‘Get-Rich-Quick’ plans. Hi-def operate! bathroom rental
January 23, 2025 15:45
Would love to always get updated great site ! . Tonic Greens
January 25, 2025 10:24
RAFAY
Just want to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity in your post is simply nice and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the gratifying work. tipobet giriş
January 27, 2025 11:22
Can I merely say such a relief to discover somebody that actually knows what theyre discussing over the internet. You actually learn how to bring a difficulty to light and earn it essential. The best way to have to ought to see this and can see this side in the story. I cant believe youre less well-liked since you also undoubtedly contain the gift. ريال مدريد مباشر
February 9, 2025 14:02
khaliq
I am fascinated this informative article. There are so many things mentioned here I had never thought of before. You have made me realize there is more than one way to think about these things. things to do in madrid
February 10, 2025 15:33
khaliq
Companion, this web site will be fabolous, i merely like it 광주 노래방
February 11, 2025 08:32
RAFAY
You ought to actually take into consideration engaged on developing this blog into a serious authority on this market. You evidently have a grasp deal with of the subjects everyone seems to be searching for on this website in any case and you may certainly even earn a buck or two off of some advertisements. I’d discover following recent matters and raising the amount of write ups you place up and I assure you’d start seeing some wonderful targeted site visitors within the close to future. Just a thought, good luck in no matter you do! 명품레플리카
February 12, 2025 09:26
RAFAY
Hey there. I want to to inquire something…is this a wordpress weblog as we are thinking about shifting over to WP. Also did you make this theme on your own? Thanks. thunderball results
February 13, 2025 14:14
farooq
We are a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You have done a formidable activity and our entire neighborhood will be thankful to you. paltaryuyan
February 16, 2025 16:21
hadeed
Good post. I be taught something more difficult on totally different blogs everyday. It should always be stimulating to read content from other writers and observe a little bit one thing from their store. I’d prefer to use some with the content on my weblog whether or not you don’t mind. Natually I’ll give you a link in your net blog. Thanks for sharing. online kredit
February 18, 2025 13:09
RAFAY
I like the way you conduct your posts. Have a nice Thursday! IDNSCORE
February 20, 2025 15:39
This could be the proper weblog for everyone who is really wants to find out about this topic. You know a great deal of its practically not easy to argue to you (not too I just would want…HaHa). You actually put a whole new spin over a topic thats been revealed for decades. Excellent stuff, just wonderful! 명품레플리카
February 22, 2025 14:00
RAFAY
Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your website and in accession capital to assert that I get in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access consistently fast. kava melena melitta grand aroma 500g
February 24, 2025 15:14
You’ll find it in addition a large set that we exceptionally savored researching. Will not be normal that come with the candidate to see or watch products. 광주 노래방
February 27, 2025 15:34
salik
Here is very much want the most impressive sparkle terrific. Each one of these moderate areas are meant by means of selection of makeup foundation curiosity. I love individuals much. wps中文版
March 12, 2025 05:02
My brother recommended I may like this web site. He was once totally right. This post truly made my day. You cann’t imagine just how much time I had spent for this info! Thank you! barème permis de conduire
March 16, 2025 03:46
RAFAY
I admit, I have not been on this webpage in a long time… however it was another pleasure to see It is such an essential topic and ignored by so numerous, even professionals. I thank you to help making people more aware of possible issueExcellent stuff as typical. fence company
March 17, 2025 05:08
back alley tales qaapk
I enjoy you because of your whole labor on this site. Gloria enjoys doing internet research and it’s really simple to grasp why. All of us hear all concerning the powerful form you convey great secrets through the web blog and in addition strongly encourage participation from some other people on the content and my daughter is actually understanding a great deal. Have fun with the rest of the new year. You are performing a really great job. slot online
March 20, 2025 06:59
Can I just say thats a relief to seek out someone that actually knows what theyre referring to on the net. You actually realize how to bring a challenge to light and work out it critical. Lots more people ought to check out this and see why side on the story. I cant believe youre no more common simply because you absolutely develop the gift. Situs Slot Online
March 24, 2025 06:10
HADEED
I appreciate everything you have added to my knowledge base.Admiring the time and effort you put into your blog and detailed information you offer.Thanks. More details
March 25, 2025 03:25
salik
I read a article under the same title some time ago, but this articles quality is much, much better. How you do this.. daman club
March 25, 2025 07:47
<a href="https://ww
Your talent is really appreciated!! Thank you. You saved me a lot of frustration. I switched from Joomla to Drupal to the WordPress platform and Ive fully embraced WordPress. Its so much easier and easier to tweak. Anyway, thanks again. Awesome domain! bong 88
April 10, 2025 11:12
The way you write, you are really a professional blogger..~`:’ 香港新聞網
April 10, 2025 14:24
Amusing article. It seems that most of the ways are depending on the creative thinking aspect. “All marriages are mixed marriages.” by Chantal Saperstein.. 온라인카지노
April 11, 2025 11:19
It is a great website.. The Design looks very good.. Keep working like that!. 온라인카지노
April 12, 2025 09:29
RAFAY
The big names of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman and the highly memorable and convincing John Malkovich unite in this quite diversified movie that has a strong humorous and human touch but soon turns out to be also a tension loaded conspiracy thriller with good special effects and action scenes. 한국 프로야구 실시간 중계
April 12, 2025 17:12
This web-site is actually a walk-through you discover the knowledge you wished in regards to this and didn’t know who need to. Glimpse here, and you’ll certainly discover it. WPS Office
April 13, 2025 21:41
shaheer
Hi there! Quick question that’s completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My weblog looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I’m trying to find a template or plugin that might be able to resolve this issue. If you have any suggestions, please share. Thanks! wps下载
April 14, 2025 15:38
You made some decent points there. I looked online for any problem and found most people may go along with with your web site. five88
April 16, 2025 11:52
AD
It’s rare knowledgeable men and women with this topic, however, you seem like do you know what you’re speaking about! Thanks ยูฟ่าเบท
April 16, 2025 13:32
Some genuinely prime posts on this website , bookmarked . wps
May 3, 2025 09:32
There is an ending. Just remember that I meant for this to be an art game. I do feel like I spent an inordinate amount of time on the more traditional gameplay elements, which may make the meaning of the game a bit unclear. If you mess around with it though, you’ll find it. bclub.cm
May 3, 2025 12:16
A very informationrmative story and lots of really honest and forthright comments made! This certainly got me thinking about this issue, thank all. brians club
May 6, 2025 09:44
For that reason it is preferable you will want to similar analyze ahead of generating. You are able to release more effective post like this. cake disposable
May 14, 2025 14:01
Aw, this was quite a good post. In concept I have to place in writing similar to this moreover - spending time and actual effort to make a excellent article… but what / things I say… I procrastinate alot and no indicates often get something carried out. 부산달리기
June 14, 2025 15:03
This could be the right blog for everyone who is desires to be familiar with this topic. You already know much its practically not easy to argue along (not that I just would want…HaHa). You certainly put the latest spin with a topic thats been discussing for decades. Excellent stuff, just great! Kriya Yoga Meditation
June 23, 2025 15:16
certainly, the environmental news theses days are not so good but there are other good news too like opening of new forest reserves“ diseño de paginas web cdmx
July 15, 2025 15:57
There are some intriguing points at some point in this post but I do not determine if they all center to heart. There is some validity but I will take hold opinion until I look into it further. Good article , thanks and then we want more! Added to FeedBurner also 인천 쓰리노
July 16, 2025 14:21
salik
Somebody essentially help to make seriously articles I’d state. This is the very first time I frequented your website page and to this point? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular publish incredible. Excellent job! 오산출장마사지
July 16, 2025 14:22
salik
Somebody essentially help to make seriously articles I’d state. This is the very first time I frequented your website page and to this point? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular publish incredible. Excellent job! 오산출장마사지
August 6, 2025 15:06
SALIK
I wanted to thank you once again for your amazing web-site you have made here. It is full of useful tips for those who are truly interested in this specific subject, specifically this very post. You really are all really sweet as well as thoughtful of others and also reading your blog posts is a superb delight in my opinion. And thats a generous surprise! Ben and I are going to have enjoyment making use of your recommendations in what we must do in a few days. Our list is a mile long so your tips might be put to beneficial use. sekabet
August 17, 2025 16:10
SALIK
Thanks, I have just been looking for info approximately this topic for a long time and yours is the best I have came upon so far. But, what in regards to the bottom line? Are you certain concerning the supply? 강남하이퍼블릭 슛돌이
August 18, 2025 14:20
salik
Wohh exactly what I was searching for, appreciate it for posting . high-end.store
August 24, 2025 10:53
SALIK
Some really good articles on this website , thankyou for contribution. employee productivity improvement tools
August 27, 2025 14:40
Good website! I truly love how it is simple on my eyes and the data are well written. I am wondering how I could be notified whenever a new post has been made. I’ve subscribed to your RSS which must do the trick! Have a nice day! 더골드
September 7, 2025 13:56
FAROOQ
Rapidly this kind of internet site can easily unquestionably recognition among virtually all blogging and site-building and also site-building individuals, to be able to the meticulous content or simply opinions. bokep
September 10, 2025 13:24
Also a thing to mention is that an online business administration program is designed for college students to be able to well proceed to bachelor degree education. The Ninety credit college degree meets the lower bachelor education requirements when you earn your own associate of arts in BA online, you’ll have access to up to date technologies with this field. Some reasons why students have to get their associate degree in business is because they may be interested in this area and want to find the general education and learning necessary just before jumping into a bachelor college diploma program. Thanks for the tips you provide inside your blog. 유앤미가라오케
September 13, 2025 10:13
thank for sharing this with all of us. Of course, what a great site and informationrmative posts, I will bookmark this site. keep doing your great job and always gain my support. cheers for sharing this beautiful story find more information
September 17, 2025 05:26
Hey there! I could have sworn I’ve gone to this site before but after checking through some of the posts I realized it’s brand new to me. Anyhow, I’m definitely thrilled I discovered it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back regularly! 잠실가라오케
September 18, 2025 12:51
axa
Really interesting and one of a kind post. I like such things as making more research, developing writing skills, as well as related things. These kinds of secrets help in being a specialist on this topic. This post is very helpful to my family because people like you devoted time to learning. Regularity is the key. But it is not that easy, as has been made out to be. I am not an expert like you and lots of times I feel like giving it up. Looking at a person like me, your posting is of good assistance and booster. Thank you for sharing. 카지노사이트
October 7, 2025 15:53
axa
The subsequent time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as a lot as this one. I mean, I know it was my option to read, but I truly thought youd have something attention-grabbing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you possibly can repair should you werent too busy on the lookout for attention. Continue reading
October 7, 2025 16:48
Oh my goodness! an excellent post dude. Thanks a ton However We are experiencing problem with ur rss . Don’t know why Cannot sign up for it. Is there everyone acquiring identical rss problem? Anybody who knows kindly respond. Thnkx 三粒米
October 8, 2025 14:20
When I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new surveys are added- checkbox now when a comment is added I receive four emails with similar comment. Will there be however you possibly can get rid of me from that service? Thanks! 노래방
October 12, 2025 11:01
axa
Thanks for having the time to write about this issue. I truly appreciate it. I’ll post a link of this entry in my site. บาคาร่าสด
October 21, 2025 11:55
Its superb as your other posts : D, regards for posting . Speediance
October 22, 2025 12:00
FAROOQ
You have a very nice layout for your blog, i want it to use on my site too . مطعم برجر بالرياض
October 22, 2025 15:49
I precisely had to thank you so much again. I do not know what I might have handled in the absence of those recommendations shown by you regarding such subject matter. It had been the distressing dilemma in my opinion, however , taking note of your professional style you resolved that took me to weep for gladness. Now i’m grateful for this service and trust you recognize what an amazing job you are always putting in teaching some other people thru your blog post. I know that you haven’t got to know all of us. Learn more
October 22, 2025 16:35
AMEEN ANSARI
I really continue to keep paying attention to any records class regarding finding online grant uses therefore i have been searching for the best internet site to get one. Can you encourage me personally you should, when may possibly i’ve found a few? 역삼풀싸롱
October 23, 2025 14:32
aaxa
This is a nice blog i must say, usually i don????t post comments on others???? blogs but would like to say that this post really forced me to do so! 강남안마
October 29, 2025 16:21
With havin so much written content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? My site has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any techniques to help prevent content from being ripped off? I’d really appreciate it. 홍대가라오케
October 30, 2025 07:50
소액결제 현금화는 휴대폰 소액결제를 통해 구매한 상품권이나 콘텐츠를 현금으로 전환하는 과정을 말합니다 소액결제현금화
November 3, 2025 12:31
AXA
티비위키 최신주소 확인으로 인기 프로그램을 무료로 즐기는 법을 알아보세요. 티비위키 최신주소
November 19, 2025 10:32
Does your website have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating it but, I’d like to send you an email. I’ve got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time. 프리카지노
November 29, 2025 14:41
A formidable share, I just given this onto a colleague who was doing a bit of analysis on this. And he the truth is bought me breakfast because I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the treat! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love reading more on this topic. If doable, as you turn into expertise, would you thoughts updating your weblog with more details? It’s extremely helpful for me. Massive thumb up for this weblog submit! slot dana
December 4, 2025 15:23
Have you ever thought about adding a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is important and all. However think about if you added some great photos or video clips to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and video clips, this site could undeniably be one of the best in its niche. Fantastic blog! 강남가라오케
December 10, 2025 14:40
Hey I was just looking at your site in Firefox and the image at the top of the link cant show up correctly. Just thought I would let you know. 서울오피
December 10, 2025 14:40
Great post, you have pointed out some great points, I besides believe this is a very wonderful website. 서울오피
December 18, 2025 15:25
https://unmebeobsang.com/ I’d need to verify with you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I take pleasure in reading a submit that will make individuals think. Additionally, thanks for permitting me to remark!
December 18, 2025 15:29
V
December 18, 2025 15:29
I am glad to be a visitor of this consummate web site! , appreciate it for this rare info ! . 강남유앤미
December 20, 2025 15:21
I simply present your website a couple weeks ago and that i tend to be learning the idea daily. You’ve substantial amount of tips next and i also relish your thing about the homepage insanely. Cultivate acknowledge that there are energy! 강남도파민
December 25, 2025 15:32
I genuinely treasure your work , Great post. 희망뱅크 카드깡 수수료
December 25, 2025 16:23
Thank you for posting this information. I want to let you know that I just checked out your site, and I find it very interesting and informative. I can’t wait to read more of your posts. 링크모음
December 27, 2025 15:48
I’m impressed, I must say. Actually rarely can i encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you could have hit the nail to the head. Your concept is outstanding; the thing is an issue that inadequate consumers are speaking intelligently about. We’re very happy which i came across this inside my search for something concerning this. 레플리카 쇼핑몰사이트
December 29, 2025 17:23
There is noticeably a bundle comprehend this. I suppose you made specific nice points in functions also. situs toto slot
January 8, 2026 16:39
Regards for this post, I am a big fan of this site would like to go along updated. Industrial shipping containers Australia
January 10, 2026 16:14
I like this website because so much useful material on here : D. 신용카드현금화
January 12, 2026 16:15
Hey, you used to write magnificent, but the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your tremendous writings. Past several posts are just a little out of track! come on! Sex678